Written By: AnnaTheCoffeeAddict, certified Procrastinator

Step Number One:

Visualize all of the tasks you have to do today.  Go in depth!  Imagine what you need to do to complete each one, and how much time it will all take.  Do this until you start to feel a creeping anxiety about finishing everything.


Step Number Two:

Let the panic set in.  Instead of directing your energy at the tasks at hand, take a break to make some coffee or grab a RedBull, (Energy drinks recommended for Expert Level Procrastinators only.)  Once you’ve managed to guzzle your caffeine, realize that all you have accomplished is managing to make yourself even more anxious.

coffee spongebob

Step Number Three:

Try and quell your newly found panic by searching for memes on the Internet.  These can be found via Facebook, Pinterest, Reddit, Instagram, or even Google Images!  Do this until the sun sets.  Once you realize that you now have the same overwhelming amount of tasks to do but less time to do them, panic some more.


Step Number Four:

To calm down, gaze out at the night sky.  Think about how small you are, and how you and your little green and blue planet don’t really matter.  Then realize that the universe is inanimate and cold, and meaning is just something constructed by human beings to cover up the fact that life is pointless and one day, everything anyone has ever said or done will go unremembered.  Keep in mind that each task you have to do is a distraction from the inevitable: your own personal death.  If you’re feeling particularly insignificant this evening, consider Einstein’s Theory of Parallel Universes, and how there could be an infinite amount of yous, staring at the infinite cosmic abyss, all thinking the exact same thoughts and sighing about their pointlessness in the realm of existence.


Step Number Five:

When you don’t get anything done, don’t feel bad about it.  If you’re lucky, this numb haze you’re stuck in will last far past all those pesky deadlines!  If you ever start to feel concerned about worldly tasks again, just remember: Someday you and everyone and everything you’ve ever known will die.


Thanks so much everyone, and I hope this advice helps you out!  I really wish I knew this when I was a freshman in college.  Let me know if you have any questions about inducing an existential crisis or how to remain void of emotion because nothing really matters!  Peace out or whatever!

2 thoughts on “The Procrastinator’s Guide to an Existential Crisis

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s