Herbivore Issues

What smells worse than homemade pot roast, marinated in your great-grandmother’s legendary recipe, chock full of rosemary and cumin?

To me, nothing.  It smells like a nightmare.

Actually, to be more accurate, it smells like body odor and sweat, mingled with barn animals, death, and herbs.

I don’t eat meat.  And honestly, I’m not here to judge you if you do.  I’m here to tell you how to talk to vegetarians.

That’s right, meat-eaters.  We are dead tired of taking your shit.  Pun intended.  Here’s  six things that you can say to piss off your local herbivores.

  1. You’re a vegetarian? Oh, I could never.  I like meat too much!

https://giphy.com/embed/3o6Zti5eheDfoNxYQMvia GIPHY

Seriously, every vegetarian in the world has heard this remark.  If anything, it’s cliché.  If you’re going to comment on someone’s diet, at least be creative about it.

2. Where do you get your protein?

https://giphy.com/embed/LAFShX32UwUj6via GIPHY

Here’s the deal, folks.  Meat is not necessary to the human diet.  Do you know what happens to have lots of protein?  Plants!  One cup of milk has 8 grams of protein.  One cup of cooked kidney beans has 15.  Not to mention that scientists and nutritionists believe that the average American eats too much protein anyways, according to the Physician’s Committee for Responsible Medicine (pcrm.org).  Which, my protein-loving friends, is linked to cancer, kidney disease, kidney stones, and osteoporosis.  The meat and dairy industry have sponsored a lot of studies that say otherwise.  Oops.  Have fun with your kidney stones and corporate bias.

3. Do you eat fish?

https://giphy.com/embed/3o6ZtdZI1MbbyXz8lOvia GIPHY

Um, no.  How could you?  Would you eat poor Goldie?

Also, that’s a called a pescatarian.  They’re the ones eat fish and not “real meat.”  So no, I’ll pass on the salmon.

3. I like my bacon!

https://giphy.com/embed/IXDuNVt4dYwlWvia GIPHY

I like my clear arteries, but, yeah, go ahead and eat your processed meat.  Also, I don’t like you.

4. *Waves meat in face*  Oooh, yummy meat.  Smells so good…

https://giphy.com/embed/l3vR8m4VKUIGnsNosvia GIPHY

Look, once upon a time, I ate meat.  And when I ate it, it smelled appetizing. Five years meat free, and it makes me gag.  You might as well be waving doggy business in my face.  You are not tempting me.  However, you have successfully managed to gross me out.  Congratulations.

5. Can’t you just pick the bacon off that?

https://giphy.com/embed/Rhhr8D5mKSX7Ovia GIPHY

Look, Homie.  I do not want to pick the bacon off my salad.  It makes the lettuce leaves taste like bacon, which I do not enjoy or eat, please and thank you.  Same goes for meat of any other variety.  I don’t like the meat itself, or foods saturated in nasty meat-juice.  If you have a problem with that, bitch about it to someone else.

6. You can eat there, they have a black bean burger.

https://giphy.com/embed/4XOfvSkkxchHyvia GIPHY

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  Every damn pub has a house-made spicy black bean burger and NOTHING ELSE.  Imagine if you had to eat the same thing every time you visited a restaurant.  If I never ate another black bean burger in my life, I would die happy.

Okay, I’ll lay my complaints to rest.  Issues aside, it’s important to remember to love all herbivores and omnivores.  Even if the omnivores are pretentious and annoying about their meat consumption sometimes.  Peace or whatever.

https://giphy.com/embed/3o7qDEq2bMbcbPRQ2cvia GIPHY

Do you eat meat?  Do you avoid it? Did you know about how the meat, egg, and dairy industry impact public health?  Comment and let me know.

2 thoughts on “Herbivore Issues

  1. “If you’re going to comment on someone’s diet, at least be creative about it.”

    How very Cyrano De Bergerac of you!

    If you’re not familiar with his famous nose speech, I did a quick Google search for a link to an excerpt. You GOTTA check it out. It’s one of my all-time favorites!


    And I’m sorry, but I do eat meat (although I keep it to a minimum for the health reasons you mentioned). However, I like your writing so much that I still enjoyed reading the rant. It was seasoned well enough to not be too hard to swallow!


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